Honesty

Honesty.

Honestly, I don't know what to say about it. Perhaps I'll tell you a story.

There was a boy. He lived a pretty good life. He had friends, finally, and he was figuring his life out. Still, he lived with this feeling that something was gnawing slowly on his heart- ripping and chewing away at what little there was. He was a boy with a broken heart, a heart that was healing. He could not take the gnawing, but he did not know why it was there. Then, he did something scary, but something very brave: he told a friend everything about himself. He was shaking beforehand and afterward he left the room, too worked up and too worried to wait for the friend's reaction.

It turns out that things worked out alright. The boy's secrets didn't need to be secrets. So what if he liked other boys? So what if he liked girls too? So what if he had lost his faith? So what if he was a little crazy? So what that life had been hard? So what that he was scared?

The friend stayed in his room, and when the boy came back for his forgotten pop, the friend smiled and asked if the boy had expected anything to be different.

Well, I can tell you the boy did expect things to be different, and it turns out they were. But, things weren't negatively affected like the boy thought they would be. Things were changed for the good.

That decision to be honest ruined me. Now I am open about a lot of things. Don't get me wrong, I still have secrets. But, I'm a much happier person.

I'm going to steal and butcher an analogy that my psychologist used now.

My life, my story is like a piece of art in a gallery. People pass by taking glances or not, and some people even stop to stare. But, there has always been a curtain up in front of the painting, in front of my heart. It is hard to hold that curtain there. My arms are tired, and my soul is weary. So, every once in awhile I invite someone in for a private screening. I open up that curtain for just a little bit and I let them see everything.

I'll tell you, it's refreshing. It's like rain to clear the dirt off of an old soul. It's cathartic, better than a double rainbow. It's like cool water rushing over your sweat streaked skin as you dive headfirst into the deep end. But, I'd be lying if I didn't say it isn't frightening. Almost like the rain appears to be a thunderstorm, and the dive into the pool is from fifty feet high. Still, it may just be worth it.

It may be worth it to have true friends. It may be worth it to let someone in. It may be worth it to remind ourselves that we are alive and human. It may be worth it to have someone to lean on. And, it is definitely worth remembering that we do not live alone. We need each other, and the only way to form true community is to be honest.

And, honestly, it gets easier. Each time you open up and share a secret it feels less like you are tearing away a part of your soul for someone else to handle. It feels less like you are placing your world in someone else's trust. It feels less like the high dive and more like a pencil jump off of the spring board. I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say, but I do want you to think that it's worth it. Give honesty a shot. It's what TWLOHA is all about.

with hope,
pat