Where is my God?

Why is God dead to me?

Today I walked out of Kevin's office feeling sad and not understanding why. I went to dinner and forgot about it, surrounding myself with laughter instead of doubt. Then, I went to rehearsal and lost myself to another time. Now, I'm sitting in my room, sad again. I can't say I know why now either.

I do know, however, that I am floating, treading in a sea of undefined emotions and unfulfilled dreams. This life is filled with uncertainty. It's guesswork and longshots, hoping and praying for positive outcomes. When we go to bed at night we don't know we will wake up.

God is supposed to make sense of that mystery. He is our answer to the confusion of the world.

So, what does it mean when we can no longer feel Him. What does it mean when your God has disappeared.

God stopped feeling real to me when I decided to come out. I realized the Church that proclaims my God's Word doesn't accept or love me. Of course, God isn't the Church. God isn't dogma and doctrine, Tradition or tradition. God is Love. Why, then, can't I feel Him anymore?

When you live in a world without a higher power, you don't have the answers anymore. There's no, "It was God's will." There's only humanity, and I'm not sure I like everything I see.

I don't like the bullying and young self-inflicted deaths. I don't like the lack of compassion or the inequality. I don't like that love between two people doesn't constitute a partnership. I don't like that immigration means criminalization.

But I do like that when I have a bad day dozens of smiling faces are there to make it better. I do like that hugs are embraces of whole people, letting them know they are okay. I do like that passions are like the stars, and I can view them with awe. I do like holding hands and sharing everything. I do like trusting and knowing it'll be okay.

So, maybe that's where my God went, to humanity. He is spread out amongst us, waiting to be released in a wink or a wave. In the twinkle of an eye, or in an innocent laugh. Maybe my God is in social justice and people just wanting to do the right thing. Maybe my God is in Love. Maybe He is Love. Maybe I just need to see more of it, of Him.

With hope,
Pat